Destabilized

as compared to what and how i think right now, i can say that few years back (or maybe months back), i wasn't really so sure of myself. it seemed like i was going nowhere before. planktonic. go-with-the-flow: each morning i go to school. study for long hours. take an exam. get a relatively low grade. then try again.
very similar things each day that sometimes i tend to ask myself. "where will this take me?"

but now i'm not. (okay, well..)

how was that. i tried thinking of what i wanted to be in the near future. what i would be doing someday. where i'll be someday. and all that. i started creating this picture, a mural of myself with all the people that i maybe working with (or i'll be with) someday. and then i realized that this idea is really just this close. this close. it's only a matter of 3 to 5 years na lang.
and if i don't do something, it could be too late for me.

so here i am now. relatively more focused on what i do.

but seriously, that transitory period was the worst for me this year (really not a good way to start a year). guess what. i started hating people who weren't seriously doing their jobs. tipong yung mga taong pa-easy-easy lang sa buhay. even with my friends. my closest friends pa nga minsan eh.

honestly it wasn't the best feeling talaga. parang nasobrahan ko yata ang pagiging seryoso ko sa mga bagay-bagay. some of my friends noticed it and began asking why i was acting quite strange lately. nakakalimutan ko na daw minsan kung pano mag-smile. sabi ko na lang 'emotional stress' kasi. oo nga. medyo ganun nga. but i know that most of that stress i was telling them weren't because of other people but 'coz of myself din. since i wanted to have this 'seriousness' in me, i overworked myself.

it was really a tough job adjusting, lalo na kasi sarili ko lang decision yun na i'll be like this and that. thus i came unnoticed. i acted quite differently at that time while everyone else was just being normal. so the result was a total chaos for me. then eventually i got tired of who i was at that point na i started wondering where the problem really was. at ako rin nga yun.
that was the time i tried looking for help. and it was from up above.
naguguluhan na ako nun. why i acted like this. how come i started hating other people. etc.

and then that's where i realized the importance of homeostasis.


right now im trying to put back the things that were in me last year but have been forgotten or ignored recently.


and i want to apologize to all the people that i (directly or indirectly) treated badly for the last couple of months. it was the unstable me. i'm sorry.

maybe some haven't noticed it. maybe they just don't care. or maybe i'm only over-reacting right now. or maybe they knew but decided not to mess with it. or maybe - yeah right whatever.


it was a totally messy experience for me. how foolish of me to do that. (im glad i still have my friends with me at this point)

though my inner thoughts are starting to stabilize, i know that that picture i previously painted in my mind will remain very clear to me.
that made me feel so sure of myself.

and that will lead me to where i really wanna go.

(i don't mind going there with someone else. besides, that'd be fun.)

..rheyian™ XD